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Introduction:
Romans 8:28-30
says God causes all things to work together for good for those who
love Him. This did not mean everything that happens will appear to
be good, but rather, when we love God, He guides everything that
happens to us, around us and with us to an ultimate conclusion of
good. If we love God, we will, without fail, be conformed to the
image of Jesus. Having been conformed, we will be justified and
glorified. This is all predicated on whether or not we love God.
Certainly, we could make this lesson very short and simple by
turning to just a few passages, such as I
John 5:3, to learn that loving God is keeping His
commandments. However, I want us to recognize that our
relationship with God follows a similar pattern to any
relationship we have, especially love relationships like marriage.
Remember that even Paul used the marriage as a metaphor for our
relationship with Jesus in Ephesians
5:22-33. When we consider the relationships we have had, I
think we can see five distinct stages of each loving relationship.
As we discuss these stages of a love relationship, examine your
life. Where are you in this process with God? What do you need to
do to progress to mature committed love with God? Discussion: I.
Enchantment[1] A.
Love relationships begin with an enchantment phase. We
often refer to this as infatuation. We have been introduced to
someone, are attracted to them and are enchanted with everything
about the relationship. In this circumstance, we constantly focus
on the positive and seem to let the negatives slip to the side. We
love everything the person does and just can’t help but want to
be with them all the time. Scientifically speaking, in this stage
our brains actually secrete an endorphin that gives us feelings of
happiness, contentment, well-being, completeness, etc. This period
of the relationship is very much like being on a constant drug
induced high. We can’t imagine ever being unhappy in the
presence of the object of our enchantment. Many people make their
marriage commitment while this phase is still in full effect. B.
Isn’t this like our relationship with God? When we were
first introduced to God and the forgiveness and grace He offered (Ephesians
2:1-7), we were enchanted. We were on an emotional high. We
were happy and content. We were excited to study our Bibles, pray
and attend the assemblies. Was someone having a home Bible study?
We were there and couldn’t understand all the people who
didn’t want to be. We see this in new converts all the time. We
also see this in those raised by Christians about the time they
get into college if they stick with the faith they were taught. It
is like a drug high and every spiritual activity provides a
feeling of well-being and happiness. In this stage, more mature
Christians ask the enchanted to count the cost (Luke
14:25-33) and the enchanted believe they are willing to give
up everything. They can’t imagine any cost that won’t be worth
it. They gladly make the commitment. C.
These often seem like Christians who are spiritually mature
beyond their years, dedicated to spiritual things more than most.
However, I suggest these are not spiritually mature; they are,
rather, going through a natural relationship phase. Instead of it
being with a person, it is with God. They have recognized His
great love for them and become enamored. It is a good thing. It is
a positive step in the right direction. It is necessary because it
makes the commitment easier to make. However, love never ends
here, not even with God. II.
Disenchantment A.
If you are single, engaged or newly-married, you will
probably not understand this point. However, your counterparts
with more experience will. The enchantment phase of a love
relationship never endures. Eventually it gives way to
disenchantment. All those things that were overlooked within the
enchantment phase start to rear their ugly heads. What was once
seen as creative spontaneity will be seen as careless
irresponsibility. What was once seen as an orderly, organized life
will be seen as manipulative control. What was once seen as
fearless leadership will be seen as arrogant, power madness. What
was once seen as happy go lucky and easy going will be seen as
laziness and sloth. As these stressers begin to infiltrate the
marriage, the scripts and coping mechanisms we learned as children
(often unhealthy) begin to take over. In the enchantment phase our
happiness and contentment came from our relationship, now we turn
to the mechanisms we developed over the years before the
relationship to have happiness and contentment. For some, that
means outbursts of anger, for others, drinking and drugs, for
others sexual immorality, for others self-martyrdom and so on. We
have become disenchanted, learning true happiness doesn’t come
from just being in the presence of our loved one. B.
This happens with all Christians. There comes a day when we
learn serving the Lord is not all about grace and love, but about
obedience and sacrifice (Romans
12:1; I Peter 1:13-16). If we want the relationship to work,
we are going to have to do some changing. Suddenly we learn that
all that talk about carrying crosses was serious. It didn’t feel
like a cross before, but now it feels hideously burdensome.
Growing in Christ takes work and no longer provides that immediate
high. We can go to an assembly that used to leave us breathless
and walk away without feeling anything. Sometimes we feel like we
are just going through the motions. We have become disenchanted
with God and our relationship with Him. Usually, we feel like we
have lost something and think there must be something more to this
relationship thing because we just don’t feel like we used to. C.
As all this is happening spiritually, life continues on.
Satan continues to attack us. Then the coping mechanisms we
developed before turning to the Lord start kicking in again. We
turn to anger, arrogance, slander, immorality, materialism, etc.
to regain the happiness we are no longer feeling in God. This is
the place where we see people do things we know go against God’s
word but justify it saying God wants them to be happy. They are
sure that is so because they remember the happiness they had in
God at first and they have now lost it. They are sure if they can
regain that happiness, they must be right with God again. We then
pursue the courses familiar to us instead of walking God’s
narrow way (Matthew 7:13-14).
D.
At first, we may think this represents spiritual
immaturity. We see it as backsliding from that great devotion the
Christian once had. That is not the case. This is actually a
necessary step on the road to true maturity. If you are at this
point, it is not necessarily a bad thing. It means you are
following the natural progression to maturity. However, this stage
leads to the next all important hinge step. We are led to a fork
in the road regarding our relationship with God. III.
Fork in the Road A.
At this point, we hit a three-way fork in our relationship
road. The road we choose will make all the difference. Allow me to
assure you, you will have to take the road less traveled to have a
good relationship with God. B.
Strive
for the elusive enchantment phase again.
1.
The easy high of the enchantment phase is very alluring. It
took no work on our part and yet left us feeling happy and
content. Because of this allure, many married couples take the
fork they hope leads back to the first stage of the love
relationship. They do this in one of two ways which also mirrors
what Christians do in their relationship with God. a.
Ditch the present relationship and find someone else with
whom they can be enchanted. According to relationship-help.com,
more than half of those who take this route end up in another
disenchanting relationship that fails. Some Christians simply turn
their back on God to pursue other enchanting routes. We see this
in Luke 8:14 where
riches and the pleasures of life turn the Christian away from God. b.
This other option is a little more subtle and yet just as
dangerous. Some people reach the disenchantment stage and, wanting
the easy high of the enchantment phase, seek for cheap, easy
fixes. I see this all the time in marital counseling. Someone
comes into my office saying they really want to work on their
relationship, to get that loving feeling back. So, I give some
practical hands on advice. For instance, I’ll tell them about
love languages and how to communicate love. I’ll tell them that
for their spouse, to show love they have to give them words of
affirmation or perform acts of service. They go home and try it
for a couple of days, but it is kind of hard and doesn’t show
immediate results and they give up. Or they go to a marriage
retreat. In the emotion of the retreat they reignite some of the
old flame and have a great weekend. They come home rejuvenated and
think the relationship is fixed but all they have done is taken
another hit off the drug of enchantment. They haven’t developed
mature committed love for each other so they quickly enter the
disenchantment phase again. Or they just try novel things.
“Maybe if we try date nights.” “Maybe if we took a vacation
without the kids.” Sometimes they even branch out into
immorality. “Maybe if we branch out and have an open
relationship.” I almost hate to mention this in a sermon, but
the rage today is what is called “swinging,” in which married
couples practice open sexual relationships with other couples.
This is a sad attempt to get the drug like fix of the enchantment
stage. These supposed quick fixes never work long term. They give
an immediate short term high, but will leave you disenchanted
again and in search of another hit on the enchantment drug. Some
Christians are like this in their relationship with God. Instead
of going through the hard work it takes to develop real love, they
are allured to the easiness of the enchantment stage. They will
try novel approaches to worship, assembling, studying. They
constantly want to push the envelope to new and novel approaches.
Maybe if we raise our arms, clap our hands, dress differently,
arrange the chairs differently, change the order around, add some
interpretive dancing, watch skits and plays, make the Lord’s
Supper a fellowship meal, have more conversation and less
preaching, the list could go on and on. I’m not saying the way
we do everything right now is the only way it can be done and if
anyone wants to try something new they are taking the wrong fork
in this road. However, there are too many Christians who are not
interested in just doing what God says but in doing something new
that makes them feel good. They judge how effective something is
not based on how biblical it is but based on how it makes them
feel. Even if we aren’t doing something new, we can be guilty of
this. How many hope a particular meeting or some particular class
or even our Fall Focus might imbibe us with that easy, no work
needed enchantment? I
think we see an example of this in Colossians
2:16-23. People coming up with new and exciting means to serve
God. Or we might look to II
Peter 2:1-3, where teachers use sensuality, the feel good
motivation, to trap people with error. One of the problems with
this approach is it escalates. Even if the change or novelty we
pursue right now is scriptural, if we are pursuing it because it
makes us feel enchanted we will be in trouble. Like any addiction,
eventually what we are doing now will no longer provide the high.
Sooner or later, these will run out of scriptural options to
provide the high they are looking for and, having trained
themselves to look for the enchantment high, will inevitably
choose enchantment over the Scriptures. 2.
We need to understand this. The enchantment stage never
lasts. No matter what we try, it will end up failing. We may feel
we have reignited the enchantment and live for a time in happiness
and contentment again, but eventually the novel approach we are
taking or the new love we have gained will fade just as the old. C.
Endure
“Parallel Relationships”.
1.
According to relationship-help.com, some folks hit the
disenchantment stage of their love relationship and refuse to
leave for one reason or another. They think the spark is gone so
they don’t try to recapture it. However, because the work needed
is too hard, they don’t work on their relationship either. They
develop what the site calls “parallel marriage.” That is, even
though they stay married, they put their energy into other
things—work, school, children, hobbies, etc. Every once in a
while, they may turn back to the marriage, but sensing the
struggle again, they turn back to their “parallel
relationship.” The great majority of these claims their marriage
is unsatisfactory. 2.
How many Christians do this exact same thing? Because
developing a real, true love relationship with God takes such
work, some devote their attention elsewhere. They maintain
appearances by attending the assemblies, but most of their energy
is spent elsewhere. They hang on to their religion because they
hope it will give them heaven in the end, but if honest, they
would say their relationship with God is unsatisfactory. This is
essentially getting stalled out in the disenchantment stage. I
think we see an example of this in Ephesus in Revelation
2:1-7. They were still going through the motions, however
Jesus said they had left their first love. This path is dangerous.
Since we are still maintaining a religious front, we may give
ourselves false hope that we are really serving the Lord when we
are not. I think of those in Matthew
7:21-23 who had some kind of religion but weren’t really
doing the work it took to have a real relationship with God.
Further, at any moment, if we believe our relationship with God is
unsatisfactory we may abandon it, hopping over to the other of the
wrong paths. D.
Work
hard to make the relationship work.
Some married couples recognize that the enchantment stage, for all
its wonder, was not true love. Therefore, they do not linger in
disenchantment. They start working to develop a true, committed
loving relationship. That is what we as Christians must do as
well. According to Matthew
7:13-14, the narrow road is a difficult path. It takes hard
work to navigate the proper way. II
Timothy 2:15 says we must do our best to present ourselves as
workers who need not be ashamed before God. II
Peter 1:5-8 says we must make every effort to make the
qualities God wants in us our own. Making this decision leads us
to the next stage of our loving relationship. IV.
Work A.
Go to any marriage retreat, seminar or counselor worth its
salt and you will learn that a strong relationship takes work. You
will learn that you have to work at positive communication. You
will have to work at real problem solving. You will have to work
at sacrificing yourself for the other person. You will have to
work at change in your own life, all the while accepting that your
partner may not work to change in their lives at all. The payoff
is never immediate. It will take a good long while to have the
feeling of real love and the happiness and contentment that comes
with a true, committed loving relationship. But through constant
hard work, those feelings grow. B.
This is the way it is with our relationship with God. We
have already mentioned three passages that talk about the work we
have to do (Matthew 7:13-14; II Timothy 2:15; II Peter 1:5-8). We recognize we
must work at rightly dividing the Word of God. That certainly
seems boring in comparison to the breathtaking “worship
experience” many churches want to offer. We learned we have to
work hard at virtue, knowledge, self-control. That is certainly
not an easy prospect in comparison to the churches that like to
gloss over our sins with cheap and easy grace. We have to work
hard at developing steadfastness and endurance, which means
faithfulness in the face of hardship. That is certainly no fun in
comparison to the churches that are teaching being a Christian
means health and wealth. C.
Look again at II
Peter 1:5-8 to see where our work needs to be focused. We must
work on faith, virtue, knowledge, self-control, patience,
godliness, kindness and love. As we work on these things we will
be fruitful, our relationship with God secure and we can rest
contentedly in that relationship, having the happiness that comes
from knowing God is with us reserving our home in heaven for us (I Peter 1:3-5). Understand, even as this stage leads to the final
one of mature, committed love, there is a sense in which we never
leave this stage. Even once mature love has been developed, it
will always take work to maintain. V.
Mature, committed love A.
Married couples that work on their relationships eventually
develop a mature committed love for each other. No doubt, they
must always keep working to maintain that love, but they have that
love and the contentment that comes with it. This love is not
necessarily very emotional. It doesn’t give us the spikes of
emotion, the drug like hits of enchantment. Rather, it provides
the still, calm knowledge that we are in a relationship of trust
and devotion. Have you ever wondered why movies are always about
people falling in love and almost never about people making their
relationships work over the long haul? It is because mature
committed love is not as exciting. It has no butterflies in the
pit of your stomach feeling. It is just a steady knowledge of
right commitment. Hollywood would think it boring and so do many
married people who are enraptured with enchantment. But those who
have made it to this level in their marriages can tell you that
the rapturous highs of the enchantment roller coaster have nothing
in comparison with the solid stability of a well-grounded
relationship filled with mature, committed love and devotion. This
is a level of unity and oneness that provides stability and
confidence. B.
As we continue to work on our relationship with God,
refusing to take the cheap, easy route back to enchantment, we
will develop a mature committed love for God. The difference
between our earthly love relationships and our relationship with
God is in marriage both of us have to do work. In our relationship
with God, He has already developed the mature devoted love. He
loved us so much He was willing to send Jesus to die for us. He is
committed to us (Romans 5:6-10; Hebrews 13:5-6). His love is already grounded. We are
the ones who have to work on true committed love. C.
I
Corinthians 13:4-7
provides a great picture of love in any relationship. There are
some principles here I think we can apply to our relationship with
God. If we love God, we are patient, waiting on His timing instead
of expecting Him to be on our timing. We are not boastful, acting
as though God is lucky to have us on His side. We do not insist on
our own way, but humbly submit to His. We do not become irritated
or resentful when God doesn’t do things the way we wanted or
expected. Further, we believe and hope all things, that is, even
when things look like they are going wrong, we trust God to work
everything out for our good because we love Him. No doubt, as we
said early on in this lesson, mature committed love for God means
obeying His will without complaint or grumbling (I
John 5:3). D.
Here is the really great thing about this kind of love. The
enchantment stage feels wonderful. However, it is a roller
coaster. Based on nothing more than emotions and chemical
reaction, the enchanted are at the mercy of their fickle feeling.
An unexplained look, the wrong words and the enchanted are filled
with fear that the relationship is faltering. Those who have
worked hard to develop a strong, committed love relationship do
not fear at every turn. They can rest in confidence that their
relationship is strong, solid and stable no matter what the moment
brings. This Christian doesn’t need uncontrollable highs to feel
right with God. He or she doesn’t need novelty to feel
spiritual. They love God and they know they are loved by God. Not
because they feel butterflies in their stomach, but because they
have developed a Bible-based, God-fearing relationship, working to
grow spiritually as God has asked and they trust God’s promises
in return. Don’t misunderstand, there will be strong emotions at
times. These emotions, however, are not based on momentary
circumstances but upon the solid foundation of a developed
relationship. Conclusion: Do you love God? If so, where is your relationship with Him right now? Enchantment, Disenchantment, Fork in the Road, Work or Mature Committed Love? No doubt, when you develop mature committed love, you cannot quit working, that is a life-long process. Remember none of these stages is wrong. None of them are bad. They are all merely part of the process of growth in God. Where are you? What do you need to do to progress to mature love for God? How can we help? [1] The stages in this lesson are loosely based on information provided by www.relationship-help.com. Any scientific information or statistics were also found at that site.
Glory
to God in the church by Christ Jesus
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