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“And
you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring
them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” Introduction:
About this time every year, our nation decides to honor
fathers. Aside from just sitting back and accepting the praise and
gifts that are being lavished upon us, we need to look at
ourselves and our role in the family. What is all this about? We
have brought kids into the world, but what does that mean for us?
It means more than just coming up with money to put food on the
table. It means we are responsible for people other than
ourselves. But what is that responsibility? What is a father’s
job? Ephesians 6:4 provides the answer. Discussion: I.
Our job is to avoid provoking
our children to wrath. A.
Ephesians 6:4 says
we fathers must not provoke our kids to wrath. We must not
exasperate or embitter them. Frankly, I believe this command is
given because it is all too easy to do exactly that. We can easily
get so caught up in our own lives that we forget our duty to our
kids. B.
Do not misunderstand. This passage does not say if our
children ever get angry, we have failed. This passage says we
should not provoke them. Sometimes, when we do our job properly
our children will become angry. They might even say things like,
“I hate you!” and “I never want to see you again.” That is
our children choosing to be angry without provocation. By the way,
these responses are direct violations of Ephesians
6:2 and must not be allowed to go unaddressed.
C.
How can a father provoke his children to wrath? In much the
same way anyone can be provoked to wrath. Consider the following
20 steps to provoking your children and reasons for using each one
of them. Some of them will immediately provoke your children to
anger. Others will only do so when your kids are out on their own
and finally figure out what you did to them. 1.
Lie to them (after all, they are too young to know the
difference). 2.
Break your promises and commitments (They will never
remember). 3.
Do not admit it when you are wrong and never apologize
(They are just kids, a big man like you should not have to
apologize to them). 4.
Always expect too much of them (They ought to be able to do
what you can do). 5.
Or always expect too little (They are only little kids and
challenging them to grow, improve or mature might be too much for
their psyche and self-esteem). 6.
Do not clearly explain your expectations and then punish
your kids when they fall short (They ought to be able to read your
mind and always know exactly what you meant). 7.
The only expectation you should make clear is that you
expect your child to mess everything up and do it all wrong. Make
sure your kids know this before they try anything (They are kids
and they have messed up in the past, why should this time be any
different?). 8.
When they finally do remember to do something properly, do
not encourage them, instead tell them, “It’s about time you
did something right” (It is about time isn’t it?). 9.
Do not correct them when they do something wrong (Kids love
getting out on their own, starting a family and then finding out
that the way they act has ruined their lives). 10.
Demean them and degrade them by hollering and yelling at
them a lot (Your kids are surely hard of hearing and must not have
heard you the first time you spoke to them). 11.
Constantly threaten them with punishments, but never follow
through until you are really, really mad at them (Kids like to
know that their parents instructions do not mean anything unless
they are angry). 12.
Vent your frustration, anger and embarrassment on them when
you punish them (If you are not frustrated, angry or embarrassed
there is really no reason to discipline them). 13.
Be inconsistent with them, especially in discipline (Kids
like to get away with things and this provides them the perfect
opportunity to try). 14.
Never let them know where they stand with you (Kids like
guessing games). 15.
Constantly remind them of how immature, childlike,
ignorant, stupid and worthless they are. Especially do this in
front of their friends (Kids are amazingly resilient, will
probably forget the bad things you called them and will surely
enjoy the challenge of proving you wrong). 16.
Do not forgive them when they repent, instead hold grudges
against them, keep bringing up their past behavior and generally
just act like you are always mad at them (That will make it more
meaningful when you tell them you love them in their birthday
cards). 17.
Never explain how life really works to your children (They
will enjoy the challenge of figuring it out on their own when they
get to work and learn that their boss doesn’t care about their
self-esteem, expects them to do their job right the first time,
clean up their own messes and actually earn the money he gives
them by working for it). 18.
Do not spend time with them in meaningful interaction and
conversation, instead spend all your time working so you can room
them in a nice house, feed them in the nicest restaurants and buy
them all the neatest toys and gadgets (They know that you want all
these things you didn’t get to have when you were a kid. I’m
sorry. I meant they know that you want them to have all the
things you didn’t get to have when you were a kid. And besides,
when you die, they won’t really want to remember anything about
you anyway, they will just want to know who gets the house). 19.
Do not teach your children how to work or handle the money
they earn from it (It makes them feel responsible, mature and
successful when they have to come ask you to support their kids
because they do not know how). 20.
Finally, dads, if you want to provoke your children to
wrath, treat their mother like dirt (They love to see examples of
strength, power and authority and they especially like to see the
person who is most dear to them getting abused). II.
Our job is to bring our children up. A.
The regrettable fact of modern fatherhood, is that few dads
have ever sat down and determined what their goal as a parent
should be. Our goal as fathers is not to simply make it through
today. Our goal is not to provide our children with pleasures,
entertainments or enjoyments. Our goal is not to give them
everything we did not have as children. Our goal is to “bring
them up.” This phrase translates the Greek word “ektrepho,”
which means “to nourish up to maturity.” Our goal is to
produce maturity in our children. What we do every day needs to be
focused toward that end. The way we interact, the experiences we
provide, the way we discipline needs to push them toward the goal
of maturity. B.
A second regrettable fact of modern fatherhood, is that
most dads do not measure their success by whether or not their
children are becoming more and more mature. Rather, they measure
their success based on whether or not their kids are having a good
time. Therefore, we have a generation of young adults who do not
behave responsibly. Rather, they act based on their feelings and
pleasures. Keep in mind that maturity is the goal for our kids,
not happiness and pleasure. I am not saying you should raise your
kids to be miserable. Here we find one of the amazing paradoxes of
life. True happiness does not come to us by doing that which gives
us pleasure at the moment. True happiness comes as a result of
doing what is right, responsible and mature—which actions are
not always pleasurable in the moment. Consider Hebrews
12:11 to see this paradox in action. Chastisement is not
pleasurable at the moment for anyone, but true happiness and
contentment will come out of it in the long run. C.
One final point to note is that the maturity here is not
limited to physical maturity. No doubt, fathers, we are to raise
our children to physical maturity. But, physical maturity will
happen with little help from us. Rather, this maturity is “in
the Lord.” This maturity does not happen altogether naturally.
Our goal is to bring our children up to mental, emotional and
spiritual maturity. Too often parents try to provide an
entertaining and pleasurable childhood, their top goals for
raising their kids is to get them a car and put them through
college. They send the kids to school to produce mental maturity;
experience will give them emotional maturity; and spiritual
maturity … “Well, that’s why we go to church.” Thus, we
have a great outcry in denominations, and even among brethren, for
youth ministers and youth groups. But these responsibilities do
not belong to the government or the church—they belong to us
dads. Fathers, the government and the church may help us in many
ways to produce maturity in our kids, but they will not stand
before God in judgment to give account for how our kids were
raised. We will. D.
Have you considered what steps you will take to produce
maturity in your children? Or are you simply trying to make it
from day to day without killing one of them? III.
Our job is to bring our children up in the discipline
and instruction of the Lord. A.
One difficulty in examining this verse is that modern
translations use several interchangeable English words to describe
these terms. In the NASB, the translators chose “discipline”
and “instruction.” Interestingly, in the Greek, the two terms
“paideia”
(discipline) and “nouthesia”
(instruction) are also somewhat interchangeable. Both deal with
training children. However, according to Vine and Zodhiates, in
their respective dictionaries, the first emphasizes training by
action, the second emphasizes training with words. Both aspects of
training must be used in conjunction with one another. Do not try
to simply train with words. It will not work. But do not try to
simply train with actions. That will not work in the long run
either. B.
The training with action (paideia)
can consist of several facets. 1.
Hebrews 12:5-6
demonstrates that chastening with “the rod” is part of the
training of children. Do not be deceived, spanking done properly
will not provoke your children to wrath. In fact, in Ephesians
6:4, God sets this in contrast with provoking your children to
wrath. However, please follow some common sense guidelines to
using the rod. Use it as a tool to produce maturity, not vent your
anger. Use it consistently not sporadically. Use it with the
future results in mind, not the present moment. Use it quickly,
not only when a lot of yelling and counting has failed. Finally,
when you are done using it, make sure you tell the child why you
used it and reaffirm your love for the child (do not mistake this
for gushing over the child in an effort to soften the chastisement
and win back their love). 2.
We must understand that chastening with the rod is not the
only action used in training children. Making children face
natural consequences of their actions is also used to train
children. It is the same action that wisdom takes according to Proverbs
1:24-29. If they break a window, have them pay for it and
repair it. If they misuse one of their possessions, take it away
(temporarily or permanently). 3.
Practicing good behavior is training. Every year sports
teams go to their training camps. What do they do? Sit around and
listen to a lot of talk? Do they get chastened with the rod? No,
they get trained. They are made to perform drills over and over
again so that they can perform their duty on the team naturally
and with little thought. We can do the same thing. A child who is
old enough to walk, can be quickly trained to come when you say
“Come here.” Practice it with them. When you are first working
with them you may have to use “the rod” to chastise
disobedience, but after a few times of “Come here,” getting a
swat for not coming and then being shown the proper response, your
child will learn. Then you can practice having them obey. It will
become so natural, that the next time your child is running toward
the street, you won’t have to break your neck trying to catch
them, you can say, “Come here,” and they will do what they
have been trained to do, they will come here. C.
The admonition (nouthesia)
can consist of several facets. 1.
Straightforward teaching is a direct way to train by your
words. Deuteronomy 6:7 demonstrates a good model for when to do this
teaching. When you sit in your house (how about meal times or
shutting off the TV for a night and just talking). When you walk
in the way (travel time—shut off the radio sometimes and teach
your children). When you lie down (bedtime) and when you rise up
(first thing in the morning). 2.
Jesus demonstrated a great way to train with words--using
parables. Tell your kids stories. Read the Bible stories to them.
Read stories of people that demonstrated great characteristics of
maturity that you want them to develop. Tell them stories about
you as a child. Tell them stories about their grandparents. Make
up stories, using them as characters. 3.
Reprove and rebuke your child when they have done something
wrong. Don’t be hateful or cruel when you do so and make sure to
reaffirm your love to them when they acknowledge their wrong and
repent. Do not apologize for rebuking them. Rather, let them know
that even though they did wrong, you still love them. 4.
Take time to praise and encourage them in word when they do
things the way they should. Take time to praise and encourage them
even if they are not doing it exactly right, but are making
improvement. Make an effort to catch your kids doing things right
and tell them when you have caught them. Far too often, the only
time we comment on our kids behavior is when they did something
wrong. Conclusion: Have you been doing your job as a father? I have no doubt that most of you are like me, you could stand some improvement. The key reason for this study is we have to know the goal and the standards, otherwise none of us would ever know where to begin improving. Look to your child’s future and start doing today the things it will take to bring them to maturity. There will be lots of good times. There will be lots of tough times. In the end, your work will pay off for you as your children experience the peaceful fruit of righteousness (Hebrews 12:11) and you can be glad because your children have been trained to be wise (Proverbs 10:1).
Glory
to God in the church by Christ Jesus
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